I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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