I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
