Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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