She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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