he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
