Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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