His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
