I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my being single is dangerous.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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