I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
