You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
