My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
how drunk are you?
Several
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
