Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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