there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
