I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
