Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
