dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
