its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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