sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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