Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
