Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
