Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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