Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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