if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
