Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
