i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
