I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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