captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
