It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
