Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
