I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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