i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
