meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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