Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
