Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Randomize
