i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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