He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
