I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
