Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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