I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
