Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
