tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
