His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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