theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
