When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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