i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
