Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I will die if light touches me.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
