My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
