I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
