I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
