I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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